Monday, August 24, 2009

i'm losing you

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

so on saturday i embark on another chapter of my life. after living away from home for three years at university, returning after my transfer has been fine, but i've never totally gotten used to being back in my parent's house. my older brother had a house with his now ex girlfriend, and she wanted to move out asap so i considered taking her place with the rent. after the last months trials and tribulations, i came to the decision that the smartest move to make was just that - a move. so on saturday i'm moving out officially to live with my big brother. my room is so empty right now, i can't believe i'm closing another chapter in my life. it seems the only way for me to make it through the day to day is to find those milestones in my life to look forward to. every now and then i wish for a 6 month coma, but i know that no matter what the end of all of this is, i will be a stronger person for enduring it. some days i'm great, some days i'm weak, and some days i just pretend - but regardless, i take it as it comes, and i know that eventually everything will work itself out. if it doesn't come out in the rinse, it will in the wash. things have a way of fitting into place, and maybe it isn't what you had planned, maybe you had your life sorted out, maybe you knew what month you'd get married in, knew the names of your kids, knew every single inch of the person you thought you knew, but nothing in life is certain. i suppose the uncertainties are what are supposed to make life worth living? some days i can't believe how bitter and jaded i've become, i can't even stand the sight of a happy couple holding hands. but i'll find that. some days i imagine adoption, i imagine a life with only me, i think of how i'll pass the next sixty years of my life ... but some days, i take a deep breath, i push whatever it is that's creating this pressure in my chest to the back of my mind, and i tell myself that i'll figure it out eventually. each day gets a little easier, the clock ticks a little faster, and i manage to love myself a little more. maybe i'm living a life in denial, i won't honestly disagree with that - but no matter the outcome, each day i take a step forward.

i'm not ready to move on yet, but i am ready to move. get up, get going.